What Really Counts

We are evaluated from the time we are in utero. Quantifiable measurements are assigned to us throughout our lives. When we're born we're given an Apgar score which measures our health at birth. We're weighed, our length is determined, even the circumference of our head is measured. As babies and small children we continue to be measured and weighed; the percentile of our growth compared to the "average" child is charted. In school we are graded, earn a GPA. If we play sports our stats are recorded; even in band we're seated in order of ability. We take standardized tests and strive for high SAT scores. We go to college and collect a certain number of credits to graduate. We start working and earn a certain salary and hope to be compensated according to ability and experience. We become consumers and earn a credit score.

Obviously there is merit and necessity to evaluation and measurement and scores. But are we reduced to the sum of our collective numbers? We seem to work so hard to achieve the quantifiable rewards society dictates we should want. But there are so many aspects to life that can't be measured, certainly not accurately, anyway. I left my career to raise my children full time. I didn't earn a salary, I had no title other than "mom." How can my success as a parent be measured? Does this make me less of a person than one who has a title and earns a salary?

Yesterday a friend of mine called and shared with me that her daughter, a high school sophomore, appears to be ranked number one in her class based on completion of freshman year. My son, also a sophomore, attends the same school. Instead of feeling excited for her, I felt sick for my son, and if I'm honest, for me. I got off the phone and went straight to my son to find our if he, too, had brought home his transcript.

My son is intellectually gifted, sophisticated beyond his years. He always has been. Raising a kid like this presents its own challenges but I never expected his performance at school to be an issue. Smart kid equals good grades, right? In reality, my son's grades are average, sometimes they are poor. He receives comments on his report card regularly that indicate "he performs below his ability." Recently at a school conference, his history teacher said that my son was a challenging student because he aces the tests but doesn't complete the "busy" work designed to help him study for the tests. The school has a system of evaluation. Kids are graded. It's practical. The reality is that this system doesn't take into account the gray areas of ability. My son's grade point average is not an indication of his intellect. Yet that's the tool we have to measure him and if he wants to go to college, he needs to measure up.

I know that out of 372 students at my son's high school he does not rank anywhere near number one. And when my friend shared that her daughter is at the top, it brought out this nasty competitiveness in me that numbers tend to provoke. I was mad and frustrated and I took it out on my son. He didn't know where his transcript was. I told him our friend was ranked first in the class. I was unkind to the point of cruel to him when I guessed where he might be ranked. This was not a proud parenting moment and I'm writing this to sort out why I handled this so poorly and inappropriately.

The reality is that I am mad at the system. I'm not mad at my son. The intellectual part of his brain developed so fast and dominates him, to the extent that I think some of the common sense neurons, the ones that help us understand we still must hand in our homework even though we already know the material, just haven't developed enough. His success depends in part on measuring his ability yet the system we have can't accurately measure his. By virtue of the system, he becomes average.

We're competitive by nature, survival of the fittest and all. And what is "fit" is determined by numbers. But I hate to think that the sum of who we are can be reduced to empirical evidence. When my newborn son was handed to me, I wasn't thinking of his current stats. I wasn't wondering what his grade point average would be or how much he might earn in his career. I just unconditionally loved him. As his mom and while I still raise him, I need to help him navigate life, including the numbers. But most importantly, I need to support him in his efforts to figure out who he is. And that he, more than anyone else, needs to be happy with who that is. And being happy and living a satisfying life isn't determined by metrics.

I've apologized to my son. I hope he's OK and that I was able to explain what happened. I have no intention of finding out his ranking at school now because how proud I am of my son can't be measured that way. What I am determined to do now is to love and embrace the child I have, not the one society says I'm supposed to have. That, you can count on.

Hate Mongering Through Bible Verses

Today I read a Facebook status that read: Pray for Our President, Psalm 109:8. This Psalm is sometimes referenced as "A Prayer for Obama" and has been popular on the internet for awhile now.

The referenced Psalm reads: "May his days be few; may another take over his position."

Perhaps people find this a creative or even "cute" way to express their dissatisfaction with the current administration. I wonder how many of these people read the next line of the Psalm: "may his children be orphans and his wife a widow." The entire Psalm is actually a prayer for the demise of an evil person.

I have no doubt that many people posted this without looking further than the one line. But posting this reference is basically publicly wishing the president dead. This is insidious enough but it is all the more heinous by using the Bible to convey this desire!

I do not actively practice any religion but I was raised in a Christian home. I know many great Christian people. As with any group, there are an unfortunate few that can end up being the voice of many. There are so-called Christians that foster hate by cherry picking scripture to justify their prejudices. I can't think of a more un-Christian thing to do. It is a shame to let this ugliness become the poster child for Christianity yet this is what people are doing by posting this Psalm in this context.

I enjoy and appreciate that my Facebook friends represent different faiths, cultures, political persuasions. But no matter what our beliefs are, I encourage dispensing with hateful messages to express our views.