We are evaluated from the time we are in utero. Quantifiable measurements are assigned to us throughout our lives. When we're born we're given an Apgar score which measures our health at birth. We're weighed, our length is determined, even the circumference of our head is measured. As babies and small children we continue to be measured and weighed; the percentile of our growth compared to the "average" child is charted. In school we are graded, earn a GPA. If we play sports our stats are recorded; even in band we're seated in order of ability. We take standardized tests and strive for high SAT scores. We go to college and collect a certain number of credits to graduate. We start working and earn a certain salary and hope to be compensated according to ability and experience. We become consumers and earn a credit score.
Obviously there is merit and necessity to evaluation and measurement and scores. But are we reduced to the sum of our collective numbers? We seem to work so hard to achieve the quantifiable rewards society dictates we should want. But there are so many aspects to life that can't be measured, certainly not accurately, anyway. I left my career to raise my children full time. I didn't earn a salary, I had no title other than "mom." How can my success as a parent be measured? Does this make me less of a person than one who has a title and earns a salary?
Yesterday a friend of mine called and shared with me that her daughter, a high school sophomore, appears to be ranked number one in her class based on completion of freshman year. My son, also a sophomore, attends the same school. Instead of feeling excited for her, I felt sick for my son, and if I'm honest, for me. I got off the phone and went straight to my son to find our if he, too, had brought home his transcript.
My son is intellectually gifted, sophisticated beyond his years. He always has been. Raising a kid like this presents its own challenges but I never expected his performance at school to be an issue. Smart kid equals good grades, right? In reality, my son's grades are average, sometimes they are poor. He receives comments on his report card regularly that indicate "he performs below his ability." Recently at a school conference, his history teacher said that my son was a challenging student because he aces the tests but doesn't complete the "busy" work designed to help him study for the tests. The school has a system of evaluation. Kids are graded. It's practical. The reality is that this system doesn't take into account the gray areas of ability. My son's grade point average is not an indication of his intellect. Yet that's the tool we have to measure him and if he wants to go to college, he needs to measure up.
I know that out of 372 students at my son's high school he does not rank anywhere near number one. And when my friend shared that her daughter is at the top, it brought out this nasty competitiveness in me that numbers tend to provoke. I was mad and frustrated and I took it out on my son. He didn't know where his transcript was. I told him our friend was ranked first in the class. I was unkind to the point of cruel to him when I guessed where he might be ranked. This was not a proud parenting moment and I'm writing this to sort out why I handled this so poorly and inappropriately.
The reality is that I am mad at the system. I'm not mad at my son. The intellectual part of his brain developed so fast and dominates him, to the extent that I think some of the common sense neurons, the ones that help us understand we still must hand in our homework even though we already know the material, just haven't developed enough. His success depends in part on measuring his ability yet the system we have can't accurately measure his. By virtue of the system, he becomes average.
We're competitive by nature, survival of the fittest and all. And what is "fit" is determined by numbers. But I hate to think that the sum of who we are can be reduced to empirical evidence. When my newborn son was handed to me, I wasn't thinking of his current stats. I wasn't wondering what his grade point average would be or how much he might earn in his career. I just unconditionally loved him. As his mom and while I still raise him, I need to help him navigate life, including the numbers. But most importantly, I need to support him in his efforts to figure out who he is. And that he, more than anyone else, needs to be happy with who that is. And being happy and living a satisfying life isn't determined by metrics.
I've apologized to my son. I hope he's OK and that I was able to explain what happened. I have no intention of finding out his ranking at school now because how proud I am of my son can't be measured that way. What I am determined to do now is to love and embrace the child I have, not the one society says I'm supposed to have. That, you can count on.
4 comments:
Excellent, beautiful piece. It really captures what I feel I learned long ago. I may never be the brightest or the richest or the best at anything, but I can realize and maximize tremendous potential at some things. Figuring out what those "some" things are is the hard part. This is what we strive for as parents - to help these kids find their own "some" things so they can develop their own identity and grow into happy, healthy adults. Numbers mean nothing as you state...the world is chock full of super successful idiots along with Magna Cum Laude graduates living in the basement of their parents house.
Thank you for this piece...you should consider sending it out for publication.
First year of Med School Bill was not very confident and always talked about the guy who aced his tests. Photographic memory. I remember telling him that did not make him uber intelligent, but he did have a handy gift. Just becasue you learn the material does not mean you can apply it. He may have no communication skills. I told Bill there was so much more to being a doctor than being able to memorize material. I have no clue what happened to that kid but there is someone in Bill's fellowship who is the super test taker, photographic memory. Guess what? He is a crap doctor. He can not apply the info worth a damn. He sure looks good on paper!!
There were plenty of kids who did way better than me in college. I had mediocre grades. Mommy and daddy did not rewrite my essays like some kids. It was all me. I may not have been terribly proud of my transcript fresh out of college but when I found myself and found my career...I think it is safe to say I was happier and more successsful than some of those kids with straight As.
Great lesson and powerfully written (as always). Please remind me of it when Lizzie gets older (or if she still can not identify any of her alphabet by the end of the year.)
I want to make sure that it's clear I'm not diminishing straight A students. My younger son has a high GPA. It is a true achievement. Students who have a 4.0 are smart, driven and responsible. My problem is that not all intelligent kids conform to the mold that is set up at school and don't appear to achieve as much. Their abilities aren't measured.
I finally had the chance to read this post, Sarah, it is beautifully written and tugs at my heart, since Alex (7 now) is a bright, smart child with a mathematical mind, yet performs poorly at school and has been a strong minded, non-conformist child ever since he could talk... It is hard for me not to wonder why academic excellence doesn't come as easy for him as it does for his three older sisters, and, just as you, I find myself having to shake off the competitiveness and unrealistic expectations. Funny, on a talk with my dad about "Dennis the Menace" (his nickname to Alex), I told him about an episode that took place in Italy this summer... Alex begged me to buy him a hand held fan, since it was hot. I did, and a few minutes later, I see Alex handing over the fan to Anna, who in turn gave him an euro... When I asked what was going on, Anna told me Alex was "renting" his fan in exchange for the money. My dad laughed at this story, then told me that I should never, EVER be worried about Alex's ability to be successful in life...!!!!
Isabel
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